The Eight of Swords

Eight of Swords
Indecision

“A woman stands immobilized upon a pinnacle. She has reached a point where she feels that neither advance nor retreat is possible. Irregular waves vibrate through the air. They represent thought-waves of doubt and confusion. The rigidity of this figure suggests fixation, or the inability to directly face a problem, which is largely a mental creation. Her mind has been distracted by unimportant details and now it seems impossible to see the different options available to her. Although surrounded by negativity, she could cut herself out of this trap with the sword of deductive reasoning in her hand. But she must believe that action is possible before she can move. The swords aimed from the left and right represent interference, obstacles, doubt, confusion and misunderstanding, but the sword-like ray of illumination toughing the top of her head is a sign that if she has faith, then she will be guided by a higher force that will help her to view her problem from a higher perspective. Though she is blocked, she can be released by her own powers and those of a higher source.” – The Enchanted Tarot, by Amy Zerner

___________________________________________________________

I drew this card recently in a really illuminating tarot spread. It is a perfect illustration of my life of late. I’ve been feeling like the woman in this card- stuck and trapped, but knowing I’m not utilizing my own power to get out of the pickle I put myself in.

But now, I’ve had a breakthrough. Finally.

My life has often involved a series of dramatic changes. Like the tattoo of the phoenix that covers my arm,  I have a tendency to burn outmoded parts of my life to ashes, then rise up from them. I’m not afraid of most changes, and I think I handle even the negative ones quite well, I can go with the flow and live off of the energy from shifting tides. But this last year has been a hard one for me. Big changes shook my foundation. Divorce. Living in a new city. Losing my business, losing my financial security, and the future I had mapped out in my mind. Even for a little changeling like myself, this was a lot to recover from.

Luckily I’ve had a lot to feel blessed about. A new relationship, one where I actually feel loved and supported unconditionally. A beautiful city. An amazing new group of people to dance and perform with. I am so grateful for all this. But still, I’ve felt stuck, because my work life and my financial situation is not where I want it to be.

This is the conundrum that a lot of women (and sometimes men) face when we are the giving type, and we veer into co-dependency and  end up sacrificing big things for our partner’s dreams. Sometimes the relationship ends and you’re left in a place where you lost what you helped them build, they never gave you what you wanted in return, and now it’s time to start from scratch again.

So part of this “stuck” feeling I’ve been going through has been the rebuilding of a life dream, and also, my inner self crying out for my own independent route.

I have always been passionate about the arts and alternative medicine. But, these things often don’t pay well! My kind need to either work really hard and be crafty to succeed, or we can give-up and work a soul-sucking day job. I’ve been doing the latter for too many years now. Because of health issues, a mental struggle between what I “should” be doing and what I want to do, but mostly, just plain old fear of failure, I haven’t excelled like I’d like to in career-land. I’ve been worried that if I follow my heart I will somehow fall into economic ruin.

I think I’m letting go of that fear now. Just like the woman in the Eight of Swords card. I’ve just realized I have that big powerful sword in my hands, and I have the light of divine inspiration connecting my mind to the universe. I can use that sword, a symbol of my intelligence, creativity, and fearlessness, to break the other swords that have been imprisoning me. I can kick ass. I can be free.

I’ve spent months delving into myself, trying to figure it out the right path out of this stuck situation. First I scoured craigslist, thinking maybe my escape was in a new job somewhere, but I found nothing, just more jobs that are traps that will leach my spirit. So I delved and delved… What do I really want to do? What makes my soul sing?
So many things do.
I am passionate about maternity care rights, about dance, about healing and learning about nutrition, about creating access to all of that for other low-income people. I want to reach out to the world and give back. I spent so many years of my life sick from a mystery illness and I felt so lost trying to heal myself, until I finally did. I want to find other people that are out there struggling to heal, and I want to grab their hands and show them the way to their path to health.

So… time for the big reveal…

The exciting news is I’ve decided to go back to school for a bit, to get more official “cred” as a healer. I’m going to study Holistic Nutrition. I study it all the time anyway, I might as well be certified! I’ve found an inexpensive program at Portland State, that I can do mostly online. From there I’ll take the exam to be certified by the National Association of Nutrition Practitioners.

Getting this education and certification will be the perfect push to jump start a new, creative, healing, independent career.

Now, for the manifestation. It is an inexpensive program, as college programs go, but I still need help funding it. I am going to set-up an epic Ebay auction fundraiser, and put up a gofundme.com page. I’m gonna promote and promote, and hopefully the beautiful generosity of others will help me get where I need to be.

That sword is swinging, and I am smashing through to my bliss.